Pendy Pangestu aka Peter Phang

This post is dedicated to a guy who has earned my utmost respect..
His name is Pendy Pangestu aka Peter Phang..
Here are the reasons why..

Met up with Pendy for supper earlier on at Lau Pa Sat.. Finally, it's the day before he ends a chapter of his life of working in Singapore before he heads off for a short holiday in the Philippines then Indonesia and finally, back hope to Perth in Australia..

I have personally known Pendy since April 2009.. Worked with him for more than a year together in Tony Roma's in Australia and finally, saying our goodbyes as I left for my national service and him going to Canada to chase his dream, before finally coming to Singapore to work in DB Bistro Moderne in MBS.. I have seen how much he has changed and grow over the years..

He was my mentor in Tony Romas, my Shifu, he taught me how to grill ribs and taught me how to be a good chef.. Until today, he never fails to inspire me and got me thinking and growing more as the days go by.. I really wanted to be the best chef I can be and I just get more motivated each time i meet up with him for some catching up..

Today, I managed to have a coffee with him first just before the supper with the rest of DB Bistro Kitchen staff.. I asked him a question about what did he took back from his experience in Singapore.. He told me that he first wanted to come and try out in Singapore because he wanted to try working at a faster pace. However, what he saw was people who had been programmed to "robots" and doing things for the sake of doing and for the wrong reason.. There are very little people with dreams left in Singapore.. Due to the competitiveness here, everyone just starts to do things because it's the trend to do it.. The example he gave was people wearing branded stuff here.. He mentioned that people wear branded and dress better because everyone just feel that they'll be seen as someone of a "higher class" just because they're dressed better or seen with eyes that they can afford luxurious items..

We talked about the F&B industry of Singapore. He stated that 80 to 90% of the income of Singapore comes from F&B industry which is part of tourism. He mentioned that he noticed that most of the staff who're in this industry are foreigners, mainly the pinoys and the cheena. He told me that Singaporeans tend to have this mentality where they want to do BIG things, earn lots of money, just because most people are doing it. We hardly find people nowadays especially in Singapore who chase their dreams or even have dreams to do what they want to do to start off with. This is really sad to see. Pendy stated that because of this, the Church will have to come into the picture, to show love to people, and to let people through the love of God, be guided to fulfil their calling in their lives.

He brought up another point, he mentioned about happiness and having joy.. He say that you can have everything and be happy, but as long as there's no joy, you can never feel good inside.. I do strongly agree with him with whatever he has said. Yes it's true that it's indeed 2 different feelings.. Being happy is just temporary, but however, being joyful or having joy in life is having everything positive and going on well in life.. Though you might not be having luxury or not a lot of money, but because you are doing what you love and all, not forgetting having your family around you, only having all these gives you real joy in life.

I was really inspired about his humility.. I honestly told him about how inspired I am by him and he's the only chef I will wanna follow, not forgetting how much of a role model he is in my life.. He claims that it is his calling in his life for him to cook. He said that God created everyone uniquely and fairly, we all have things we're good in and not so good in. If God did not judge us, then what more us human beings? People nowadays especially in Singapore have this mindset that just because they are not good in something, they are not smart and etc and thus, being looked down at, just because they are not as good as the rest in that certain area of skill in their life.. I can really feel his love for people when he spoke. He's someone who loves people so much that even though they might give him problem, put him down or do evil things to him, he still loves them..

He started sharing with me about his journey in Canada. He told me that the biggest thing that was revealed to him when he was there was the grace of God in his life and also how great God reveals himself to people. He told me about how God opened one door after another to him when he was in Canada.. He told me that everything great happened because of the extreme grace of God that was upon his life when he was there.. Honestly, when he shared with me, I felt the super strong presence of God and started seeing flashbacks in my mind about my past in Australia.. I began to realised it was the same grace that Pendy had was upon my life during my days in Australia, where everything seemed impossible became possible. We both concluded as we shared with each other was our very existence of us being alive today is a proof that God exist.. I felt really fed spiritually. I felt like as tho I was reminded of the call of my life from the very beginning.. I began to feel the fire inside of me burning again.. I just can't wait to start cooking again!!!

Pendy mentioned about always be ready for the future, especially in the area of our career and making big bucks in the future. He told me about seeing the money coming to our hands. He mentioned about thinking about how to properly make a wise decision about how to use the money, so that every cent does not go to a waste. It's basically planning for the future for a "just-in-case" scenario in our life..

To conclude, I really respect Pendy A LOT!!! He's someone who I'll really look up to as a leader, a mentor, a friend, and not forgetting, a brother of mine.. I really can't wait to see him again and ketchup with him.. The next time I see him, will be his wedding in Jakarta in December, where I will personally head down and witness with my very eyes, the wild guy who had a dream, settle down and continue living his even BIGGER dreams.. Even though he will never see this blog post, but his lessons will forever be instilled inside my heart for as long as I live..

Take care buddy.. See you soon.. Love you bro =))

screw up

I am so screw up.. watch a bloody movie, got emotional, next thing, I feel like drinking... Fucked up..

Daddy, I am feeling extremely bitter inside..

Dear Daddy God,

I would like to sincerely apologise about my tweets that I have posted on my twitter the past week, renouncing you openly and publicly to the whole world to see..

Recently, I'm feeling extremely bitter on the inside of me, towards so many people in my life, at the end of this post, I really hope that as I typed it out, one by one, word by word, that you will set me free emotionally of the bitterness inside of me..

1) My Brother
I feel really bad on the inside of me, accusing my brother of things that he did not do, or things I assume him to do. I really hated the fact of how he controlled my lifestyle, not allowing me to meet up my female friends 1 on 1. To me, I just feel extremely bitter about the fact that it made me lost a few important friends of my life, and in the end, losing some important moments in their life too, I feel really guilty inside of me that I was not able to be there to capture the moments of their life.

I seriously feel damn f-ed up inside of me, because my brother does not understand me or bother to understand where I am coming from.. Each time I be honest with him about something, he just puts me down, only when we get into a big fight then he will start showing concern.. Maybe that's the reason why I hated to be friends with males, because my dad is f-ed up, and so is my bro to me. I really hate them and I feel really scarred inside because of them.

2) My Mum
I honestly feel that my mother thinks in her mind that I'm just a son who is becoming like my father, all in my mind is about money, but it really is so damn hard to survive in Singapore with 400 bucks a month nowadays, imagine it being hard during my secondary school days, what more currently which is 5 years later where there's inflation and all. I feel that she and my bro are the same, they don't bother to listen to me at all when I try to talk or explain. I am someone extremely expressive, however, I will never really go deep with someone.

I always blame my family for one of the reasons leading to my suicide attempt a year ago. I feel extremely bitter inside of me because they weren't there to protect me when I was in Singapore, when I was in Australia and now even in my NS life. I hated the word "family" a lot. Even until today, I fail to see the need of a family in anyone's life. To me, I feel that having a family is just because it's a command of God. If God has given me the freewill, I will never want to have a family. I'm still feeling so hurt from whatever pain my family has caused me.

3) Singapore Government
I hate the government, period. For bringing me so much pain especially during my days in school, making me feel down, having low self-esteem and pessimistic about everything around me. Now that I am in NS, I get to see the uglier side of the government and their organisations. I was told to suck thumb even though I was going through utmost intense stress which lead to my mild-depression during my army days. I can never believe that a civil servant will tell me to suck thumb, and at the end when something has happened, refuses to take responsibility at the very lowest level as a "leader" in the organisation.

4) Army Life
I hate you NS, you took away my freedom, my life, my career, my studies, my love ones, my friends, my smile and basically, everything away from me. You are so damn f-ed up!! I just can't wait to ORD and start all over again.

5) Felina & Ah Ping
Getting attached and leaving me behind, or should I say, making me feel really bad if I were to look up for them because of their jealous bfs, especially for Felina. I really hated the fact that I am always there for you but you disappear when I needed a friend the most..

6) Karmen
I'm angry with you Karmen, where were you when I seriously needed a friend the most?? It made me feel so useless and even worst when I look back and see how much I have sowed and you were never there for me when I needed a friend.. It sucks a lot especially during Sunday service and a few others, where you did not even wave and said hi to me when I was just sitting nearby you, which is less than 15 metres away.. Do you know how rejected I felt during that time??

7) CGCs of N486, Liwei and all the other IC Zone leaders and People
I seriously feel really upset by the inflexibility of the mindset with the leadership in the CG. With all the gossiping going around, especially within the leadership, to their individual CGC groups and in the end, cliques are being created because of these. I hate it when I'm being told what to do, or given big eyes of doubt or judgement. WAKE UP YOUR F-KING IDEA CAN?? Can you all be more flexible, stop slapping your own mouth with your own words, it disgusts me to see such a sight. Not forgetting the fact that there is no sincerity towards your actions. It seems to me that everyone is just doing things for the sake of doing.. It seriously pisses me off A LOT!!

Can you all please use your brains and think and use your hearts and feel why do people react this way?!? It's time to step out of your comfort zone, see more of the world before you open your big mouths to comment on anything.. Don't freaking ASSUME things which makes a big fool of yourself when you talk, and as a member, all we do is listen and inside our hearts, we just feel it's just an idiot trying to act smart in front of us..

8) Esther
The worst thing you ever said to me when you were showing concern was this "I'm showing concern for you because you were the one who brought me back..."

Sigh... I'm just so disappointed in myself. It just shows what kind of a person I really am, you seriously made me feel useless about myself. Honestly speaking, if you were to read this post now, I'm sure it's back to square one, where "Ben" to you, is merely someone who brought u back to church, period. That day, I seriously hope you didn't say anything and just kept quiet.

9) Li Mei
I hate you for taking away my 1st relationship experience!! It seriously was the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. Even though it was just a short 2 months, but you left a really deep scar inside my heart. Even until today, you made me find it hard to trust another woman to be with her or know what loving somebody is about. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!! MY 1st KISSES AND ALL!!!

10) Myself
Honestly speaking, out of all the people I hate the most, it would be myself.. I really hate the fact about myself that I do no "value" myself. I do not have a "market price" that I place myself. I do not know how much am I worth. I make myself look "cheap" in front of everyone, being someone easily manipulated, just because I'm being a nice guy.

I hate myself for having bad habits in life, being a perfectionist extremist in everything I do, always be the one who takes up the blame and be so scared to make mistakes. It's no wonder that even until today, I do not learn from all my lessons. At the end of the day, who suffer? Myself and myself.

I hate the fact that I will have a tendency to lie just to impress people. I lie about some things in my life especially about my recent things, just because I don't want people to look down on me, thinking I'm just wasting my time and being useless. I seriously hate it when I'm seen as useless, I don't want people to look at me with those eyes of sympathy or judgement.

I hate the fact that I always think about how I feel, instead of considering about other people, always having this assumption in me that everyone hates me or everyone is just out to make use of me.. I hate that mindset in me.

I hate myself for always being so emotional, always locking myself to a seat of a roller coaster, just waiting for that "moment" for someone or something to "push the button" and the next thing I know, I'm on my next roller coaster ride.
_____________________________________

To conclude Daddy God, I know your word says is to forgive and forget. I choose to forgive all of the people who have left a scar on me. I know that wounds come, they heal and they become scars, but these scars that are left behind are there to constantly reminding me, to remind me of the feeling that I don't wanna experience again in my life, to be extra careful and enable me to be more experienced when I handle such situations.

I can never forget all these, because if I do forget literally, something must have happened to me, either I have drank some potion, or I suffered a serious concussion. At the end of the day, I chose to forget the deeds of the people who I felt hurt by.

At the end of the day Father, I chose to choose love in all these situation. All I can say is that without You Daddy, I am a nobody and I will never know how to walk through these valleys in my life. I need You to be with me, every single moment. I really hope that You will hold my hand, just like how a parent holds his little boy, walking through something scary, but with the warmth of Your hand, I know that deep down in my heart, I feel totally secure.

I thank You Daddy. I love You!!! <3

Your Lost Son,
Benben

ciggy break talk time

Had a ciggy break today..
Finally ended my 2 months of no smoking, decided to take 2 sticks in 1 break today as I had the company to accompany me throughout the 2 sticks..

Yes I know I swore to myself that I will never smoke again, no excuses this time, it's just like sex, when you need it, you need it, period.

Had a chat with a nsmen and karen today.. He was sharing with us about his recent family problem.. He asked if Karen will be free after the ICT to go out with the other officers for a drink.. Soon as the conver gets deeper, we were all puzzled.. We came to realise about his story about his failed marriage recently..

Apparently, he got married 4 years ago, have a kid and was like every normal happy family.. Had a child within the next year and she is turning 3 mid this year. Wondering what made this man a free man today, being able to organise drinking session with us made me learnt about the his failed marriage.. As every of his men know (he's an officer), he used to be an alcoholic, smoke tons, fool around all the time, even karen knows about this (HAHA). It is an opened "secret".

He stated that recently, his divorced had been finalised and as he said it out, I can feel that deep in his heart, he wished that it was just a nightmare that had gone past.. Unfortunately, reality was just right before him.. Because of his marriage, he gave up drinking, only entertaining clients once every 2 months instead of the usual 3 times a week, reaches home everyday before 10pm, cuts down smoking by a lot and stopped all socialising activities.. He felt that he wanted to become a good example for his family in the future.. However, his wife never appreciates all that he has done for the family.

She had an affair, with another man, abandoned the child with him and divorced him and finally, leaving with the other man having their own life now.. He then said this "a man might fool around, but he still knows where his home is, however, when a woman fools around, her heart leaves with her (in mandarin).."

I can feel his emotions, my heart felt it, that deep in his heart, how much he can start all over again and never walk this path.. After all, this is a broken down world and people's hearts are filled with lust, greed, hate and the list goes on..

I took my last puff, and I began thinking more and more.. Got deeper into thoughts.. Decided to write this post, and all I can conclude is, the world still needs LOVE.. Lots and lots of love.. From God.. Definitely..

scars that were never treated will never be healed..

Honestly speaking, I am actually still seriously affected by my relationship with Li Mei. Each time I see her profile on facebook, her tweets or even thinking about the term "love" or "relationship", I just go shut, I go numb totally. I began to recall and see the sight of myself from the scene of my last year's birthday, which marks the day when I broke up with Li Mei. I saw a sight of myself, how pathetic I really look. With the scene of myself crying on that very midnight after the clock strikes 12 to enter my 20th birthday, after she leaving the birthday cake on my door with a candle lighted up just specially for me, with number codes on the cake saying "do you still want to be with me" written on them. I went to chase after her, went around the neighbourhood, crying and screaming for her name, with so much pain inside of me caused by the torment of how much I really wanted to see her, to the end of the day, me knocking on her door, calling out her non-stop with all those tears in my eyes, full of desperation, but at the end, only facing the rejection. That rejected feeling, just the very thought of it, my heart feels it. I felt so betrayed. She asked me if I would still want to be with her but yet she rejected me when there I was crying out for her.

I suppose, that was the real reason why I never really tell people about how we broke up and why we broke up, because each time this chapter of my life appears, it just hits me rock bottom.

Just a random thought I had and I suppose, since i brought this matter up, it's time to faced it, move on and let God..

Worth it or not?

I have been asking myself since yesterday...


"Are you really that worth it for me to wait and feel this way about you??"


"Do I really need you in my life?"

2012

A Year of Breakthrough!!!!

Cry of my heart

"Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like You, have loved me.. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdom's cause, as I walk on earth with You, eternally"

A cry of my heart now..

A ponder to self

Just read a blog of a really good friend of mine.. But my heart truly aches when i read it..

Why? Is she just a friend to me? Or deep down in my heart, do I want and feel something more??

A Revelation

Something I heard from God on Sunday....

"See all these people, every single one of them, I love them all"

A promise to myself - To be the best father I can be...

Typed this in my Spiritual Diary to Li Wei for this week...

"Last Saturday service is a service of restoration, of a wound that is long left inside my heart that probably was left un-stitched, no mended and never taken care of. Really thank God for putting a word into pastor kong as he shared it with the church.

Since young, I always hated my dad, even though I am his preferred son. However, I always put an act in front of him whenever I'm with him. I tried to make use of him totally, especially in the area which he has abundance in, which is money. I really hated how I myself look, I even punch my mirror a lot of times till my knuckles swell, all because I really looked like my dad and each time my mum compares me with my dad, I will hate it, really hate it a lot.  However, really got to thank God for restoration in my life.

I will never remember what I saw in my spirit at the ending worship song during service. I saw 2 extremely huge arms, which somehow I got this very strong assurance feeling that it's the arms of God that was hugging the whole church really tightly. After that, I saw wings, which maybe it might be wings of angels wrapped the whole church up like a ball, then I can hear God saying these words to me "my dear children, I love each and every one of you with all my heart" Immediately, I couldn't stop crying as I was in front of the stage.

During the time when I was ministered to, I made a promise to God and myself that in the future when I myself get older and get married and have my own kids, I will be a loving father to all my kids. I will provide them as well as my wife with security, identity and self-worth as well, which for my case, I had none of them as I was growing up. I might never be the perfect father for my kids, but thank God that I have a perfect Father who looks after me every single step I take and looks after mine when I have my very own =) ....."