Time to pick up the pen and start writing

Recently have decided to start writing..
It's time to pick up the pen once again, put on my thinking cap, pray and ask God for directions in my life. I need to know the path ahead that God has installed for me.

It is time to start penning down my thoughts, one by one. Whenever something comes into my mind, i should write it down.

Time to set long term and the short term goals that will lead me to my long term goal in the time to come. I really can't wait to see what God has installed for me and the journey that He will bring me through in order for me to achieve my ultimate call of my life.

In the mean time..
Wait for me.. I'll be back!!

A HTHT Moment with Raymond

Raymond came to join us after CG meeting for fellowship.

After sending Esther home, I had a heart to heart talk moment with Raymond, one of my closest bro in the cell group. We were sitting on the benches downstairs his block and we began talking.

We started addressing the issues that I am facing currently. Apparently, from my understanding, Joeann who has been concerned about me brought up about my recent easy flare ups whenever I am with the cell group. I shared with him my side of the story and he started telling me about what the others were letting him know.

To conclude, these were the takeaways I had through my HTHT moment with him.

Firstly, he mentioned that I had to learn how to love myself more. Love myself by appreciating myself more and respecting myself more. He told me that over the past almost 2 years of my life since I had came back from Australia, I had been myself all along. I still share about my goals, dreams and visions, I still do what I had to do, I am still the same. But however, I had been really upset with myself, I hated myself and I felt extremely useless. At the end of the day, because of my own guilt and bitterness I had inside of me, I ended up being really hot-tempered. I became someone who got angry so easily with other people, just because I was angry with myself for not being able to do anything with my current situation.

He shared with me about learning to love myself more. I have to learn how to appreciate myself. I have to learn how to respect myself. Only if I had learn how to love, appreciate and respect myself, then I can learn to love, appreciate and respect others and at the end, gained back their love and respect for me. He encouraged me to talk positive things to myself everyday. I got to learn to rely on myself and be more independent even more, especially in the area of my over-reliance to people around me. I have to learn to trust myself more. I have to learn how to be more secure and my security can only be found in God. God is the only person in the world who will never ever let me down. I have to learn to find something to thank God for in my life every single day. After that, only then I will be able to be appreciative of the people around me and only then people will be appreciative towards me and I myself from there, will be able to see the positive side of a myself as a person.

Secondly, he taught me about setting goals in life. 2 kinds of them. Long term and short term. Set weekly goals followed by a longer term and finally, goals that you will want to see yourself achieving in the many years ahead. Sooner or later, before you know it, each weekly goals you set will eventually lead you to your ultimate goal which you had set for yourself maybe even decades in advance. I admit, since 2012 started, I have gave a thought to many things I would like to achieve, however, it is the month of May now and I have yet to really pen down my goals as well as putting in an effort even, to try to make things happen. I suppose, it really is time now to start penning those goals down and making things happen!!

Lastly, he reminded me of myself and who I really am. He reminded me that I used to be someone who's really self-motivated, someone who's kind, someone who's always there for everyone, someone who has goals, dreams and visions in life. He told me that I am someone who's really focus and knows what I really want in life. I do agree that I really used to be like this. As for my current situation, I personally have given up on myself and because of that, I assume that everyone has given up on me. Because afterall, at the end of the day, everyone and anyone can tell you anything, but the ultimate decision lies totally in you. As for me now, I personally have totally given up on myself and therefore, whatever people say to me, will just end up being words that I turn a deaf ear to. Time to forgive myself, and be back to the Benjamin that everyone who used to know. One who is self-motivated, one who is kind, one who is always there and extremely strong for others around him and of course, one who is fully secure in God. I can't let these 2 dumb years overwrite my past 19 years of excellence and success. I suppose Raymond is right. Whatever success I have seen and experienced back then is history and is just minimal of what God has for me. God indeed has so much greater plans for me!! AMEN TO THAT =)

Time to sit down, start penning down my action plans. It time to start to penning down my thoughts and time
to get some action plan started. I can't wait to be the same old me or hopefully a better me once again =) Time to love myself more and show appreciation to everyone around me. God, I can't do this on my own, I need you, please help me and remind me k? =)

To end, thank God for such an awesome bro in my life. I love you bro =)

This time......

This time,
I am going to prove it with my actions
I am going to rely fully on God
I am going to live day to day by His strength
I am going to learn how to let go and let God
I am going to change my thinking
I am going to confess more positive words
I am going to learn how to love myself more

I AM GOING TO CHANGE FOR THE BETTER!!!

Ben

Living for a better tomorrow..

A common problem in society today - Suicide.
Suicide is defined as "the action of killing oneself intentionally".

As the years go by, the increment of the number people committing suicide has become one of the most disturbing facts that is happening in our world today.

Looking over the past 5 days itself has been nothing but shocking discoveries to me.
1) The suicide incident which took place during ICT where someone slit his own neck 3 times with a pen knife.
2) The NS Regular who hung himself in Changi Airbase
3) The girlfriend of my Primary school friend who took her own life.

To me, I have never encountered death in my life, if not I wouldn't be here typing this post. However, I have been at that stage really recently, a near suicide incident. I personally have attempted suicide before.

About a year ago as I was in the midst of my medical course, due to stress from my environment, I have decided to take a really easy way out. I threatened to take my own life in my bunk in front of my bunk mates. I climbed out of the window and wanted to jump just to end my misery.

Until today, with much remorse and regret for my silly actions, I am suffering the consequences of my action. But thank God for Him in my life. With time and constant prayers and support from people around, I have overcome my suicide tendencies and emerged a lot stronger today.

Thought a part of me still wish to head back to the past and erase everything else, I still thank God for it to happen, because through this incident, I was able to learn more about myself, be more positive and learn to lean more towards God in my desperate times of needs and as my source of comfort.

After knowing of all those 3 incidents that took place, the first thought that came to my mind was through my own personal experience, I realised that every problem in this world has a solution to them. The reason why we all are down and negative is because of the past. Many of us live with guilt from the past. We are constantly allowing the guilt within us to choke us from seeing our present situation and even more so, our future.

I tweeted this yesterday "Let yesterday's happenings remain a history, let's live our present moment to our best for a better future". Have you ever wonder why do we struggle and fight so hard everyday, pushing ourselves to our very limit, giving our all in whatever we do? It's really simple, it's just for a better tomorrow.

As I type this post and look back, I feel that death is never a solution. If your past is painful and you are still in pain in your present situation and you feel it's just going to be same again tomorrow, how would you know that tomorrow's going to be same as well? Have you tried living tomorrow yet?

Was BBM-ing with Germaine yesterday on my way home. Was telling her how much I wish I at least before that had the chance to meet them, talk to them, hopefully, they'll be able to give themselves and even God a chance into their lives and have their miracle breakthrough as well, just like how I had mine. She then said something to me that was really wise. She told me not to be down, it was probably someone else's responsibility, mine has others placed in my life, so instead of thinking "why didn't I", it should be "who are those I'm supposed to reach out to.."

After reading what Ger replied me, it somehow encouraged me a lot. It made me treasure people around me even more than ever. I want to be somebody who people can open up to, to share with me their problems. I want to be the one who is there for them, to cry together with them and ultimately, lead them to God. Showing them how great God's love in their life is.

To conclude, life is really precious. It is really saddening for someone to go through really a lot of pain, having so much of unexpressed negative thoughts and feelings inside, but no one to share the load to. It is really painful for people around as well, especially family members and friends to lose a loved one out of a sudden to suicide, where all solutions can be solved ultimately. I am also able to see the extreme need of people who are able to share the love, especially the love of God to people around, especially to people who are down.

A Slap

Dear God

If You can hear me my Father,

Please give me a HUGE SLAP ON MY FACE

Like N-O-W!!!

I need a wake up call..

Music's from the heart

No matter how tuned a guitar is
As long as your heart is out of tune
The music you play will never be as good as how it was meant to be..

28 April's Encounter with God during Service

During past week's service, Pastor shared with the church about Sun's crossover into the entertainment industry. I remember those days when it first started as I was there to witness and experience those moments myself.

During those times, I saw how the Pastor, Sun and other members of the church was attacked by people, especially the media, posting untrue things about Sun and the church. However, she continued, stayed strong and carry on doing God's call onto her life. Pastor Kong and Sun held onto God's vision really strongly. Time and again they were attacked and each time, they overcome the temptations and attacks and emerge a victory every time.

As I watched through the different videos, saw the different pictures, they all showcased and brought back memories to me. Seeing them also has shown to me how awesome of an impact that through Sun, God has blessed so many lives and many has been saved. Really thank God for using Sun, making use of her God-given gift to bless and inspire many.


I also saw my life as a video as well. I saw my whole journey of my life in Australia. I'm really thankful for God in my life during those days where day to day living was based on nothing but purely by the grace of God.

Just when I thought to myself how great God was to me during those days as those days reminded me how much I needed God's grace to be in my life. During last week's service. God spoke to me during service last Saturday. 

During Service as Pastor Kong speaks, I began to feel a strong spiritual excitement in me. I began to have visions of myself Bartending. I saw myself mixing drinks in the bar. I saw myself in 399 Bar working together with the team, serving customers and we were all happily smiling =)



I saw myself travelling to different parts of the world, every continent, making drinks, bringing glory to God's name. By the grace of God, I did way beyond I imagined myself to be doing.


He told me that everything that has happened the past few years even until today, is a preparation phase for me. He is trying to mould me and prepare me for a higher purpose in my life. As he spoke, flashbacks came to me of myself in the past.


It was of me sharing my F&B dream to everyone when I first entered the industry at a young age of 16. I was young but at that time, I had really big dreams. I wanted to open training establishments in Singapore. I wanted to raise a new generation of people and send them out into the industry in Singapore as well as around the world to tell the world that there is still hope for genuine service and hope for the industry. Hospitality industry is one that is extremely messy. It has one of the highest suicide rates as depression rate is high, it is really common to smoke, reliance on alcohol or even doing drugs. It is extremely normal to have casual sex within the workplace just because there is a need to have sex at that time. I feel that such a beautiful industry like this truly needs God.  I believe that God is going to use me as a vessel to reach out to these people and bless them.

God wants everyone to have a future in Him. So do how much I want people to have a future in God as well. I want to give a "future" to people who feels that there is no more hope in this world. I want to impart them a skill as well as knowledge. I am a human and I will die one day. I want my skills and knowledge to be passed down to the next generation and I am extremely determined to train up a new generation of F&B personnel that is going to change Hospitality Industry in Singapore. It will no longer be a pinoy or cheena affair, but a Singaporean affair.

I can see myself going into boys and girls home, meeting the homeless, the broken, gangsters, people who are suicidal and even the rich or people who are born with a silver soon, working with me. To some, I was their mentor, while to some, I was like a family, their father, brother or even their friend. I will make them work for me and when the time is right, I will set them out to the fields, send them overseas, sponsor them with education.

I will open bars and restaurants at different areas, reaching out and target different age groups, social status and even culture. I will provide the best possible service for them and let them enjoy products that they have never seen before.

But before that, God showed me a really dark and narrow pathway. It was the path that is ahead of me, one that I will have to walk before all these happens. I saw myself back in 399 Bar after I ORD. I was trained as a bartender there. I saw myself at another part of the world, doing the same thing. The road was really tough and lonely, but God was always there with me. But ultimately, I saw myself back in Singapore, i stood out of the gate after I took my luggage. Everyone was there and there was a huge banner saying "WELCOME HOME BEN". It was a really heart warming feeling that I know that the best is actually yet to be.

I'm really looking forward to the future. I can't wait to see what's ahead for me. Although it's going to be really tough, where day to day living will be on nothing but purely under the grace of God, I will trust and obey.

I suppose, it's about time?

Not my time but God's

Learnt this awesome truth today..

"God is never too early, never too late.. He's always RIGHT ON TIME!!"

Many a times we tend to rush through many things in our life that we forgotten the most simplest things around us.. Time to step on the brakes once in a while, relax and wait for God's call =)))

I love you Daddy God!! =))))

Weekend with Pastor Yonggi Cho (Part 2)

On Sunday Service, Pst Cho shared about Time and Eternity. He mentioned that everything changes with time. When we all die, time stops and we enter into eternity. Jesus came as a form of a man to the earth to prepare all of us for eternity. When He died on the cross, time stopped and when he rose up from the death, he brought eternity with Him.

Eternity has brought us many things to our life. It has brought us blessings, prosperity and even healing. We must strongly believe that at the moment that we are saved and we accept Jesus into our hearts as our Lord and Saviour, blessings, prosperity and healing has come into our life.

Now as we are servants of God, we are to guide others into eternity as well. We need to love others, have compassion, only then the love of God through us will touch them.

Personality and Character are 2 different things.
Personality - Born with it, refined by can never be changed
Character - Moulded with time, can be changed by circumstances in our life

We need to keep this in our mind and hearts that we have Jesus in our hearts. When we need healing, blessings and prosperity in our life, to get out and have a breakthrough in our circumstances, we actually don't need a pastor to pray for us, we just need to believe and have faith in God, just a small amount of faith, faith of a mustard seed, that 1%, it's more than enough for us to receive our breakthrough.

We need to show our heart to God. It can be done by mouth confession, telling God how much we love Him. It can be by our thinking and also our visions and dreams.

To conclude, I want to be someone who's after God's own heart. I want to be someone who will be able to stand in the gap between the living and the dead for all the love ones in my life. I want to choose love for everyone despite all circumstances. I am going to be someone who is going to believe in God that I am going to be healed!! I will never have back problems, nerve problems and migraine headaches again in my life! I will be headed in Jesus's name!!

Weekend with Pastor Yonggi Cho (Part 1)

Last weekend was Service with Rev Dr Yonggi Cho, Founder and Pastor of the largest church in the world, Yoido Full Gospel Chuch in South Korea.

Pst Cho ministered to us and shared a word that is for this season that our church is going through, which is R&D, Relationship and Discipleship.

Pst Cho first shared about the invisible heart on the Saturday Service. He mentioned about the heart being a gold. He also shared about how powerful our heart is. Our heart is one which will affect things like our attitude, our environment, our circumstances and ultimately, our life.

He shared about having to develop the invisible heart. We can do it by:
1) Getting Rid of Negative Thinking in us
Our thinking is like an attractive agent. If we think positive, we will attract positive things to our life. We need to stop thinking negative, as it only will attract negative circumstances in our life. We need to change our mind to one that is of positive thinking. We can do that by memorising scriptures, continue to repeat out whenever we start to feel or think negative.

2) Having a Clear Goal and Vision
We can only be a somebody ONLY IF WE HAVE A GOAL AND VISION. We need to be firm in our vision and dreams. God will only work after he has shown us visions and dreams. Therefore it is extremely important to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit, spent time in fellowship with God more, not to be distracted and just spending quality time with Him. The amazing things about having dreams and visions is this, we don't need to have money or education to be able to dream and see things in our life, you can just be a nobody and God is going to reveal himself to you and give you visions and dreams to do mighty works just for Him. When God speaks to us, we have to learn to trust and obey. Goals, dreams and visions are never by imitation, but definitely by inspiration.

3) Have Faith and Believe
We need to learn how to have faith and believe in Him. In Mark 11, Jesus says that all we have to do is to have faith of a mustard seed. All it takes is a faith of a mustard seed size that you will be able to move mountains. All God needs is that 1% of faith in your life. Focus on that 1% of faith instead of that 99% of doubt.

4) Having a Mouth of Confession
We need to speak our dreams and visions. When God created the heavens and the earth, he spoke and they were created, Even in His ministry, Jesus always tend to speak and only then, the miracles started to happen. We need to learn how to release our faith through our speaking.

This word that Pst Cho shared has indeed stirred me up. It has got me excited all over again for my dreams and visions in my life. It's time to take up the pen once again and start writing down my goals, dreams and visions in my life. I will start to have faith and believe in them and I will start confessing to them and make them happen. So excited and really looking forward more to the future.

The Anointing

As I was chatting on BBM earlier with Germaine, I began to remember about something. It was about the anointing.

Today in SOT, it was Bro Poh who came and taught there. He taught on the lesson on leading worship. Come to think about it, it has already been 10 months since I first started learning guitar from him.

Over the months, I realise that I really love attending guitar classes with Bro Poh, not just because of the company of Andrew and Gang, all the laughter in class, or even because it's Bro Poh, one of the best Christian Acoustic guitarist in the world who we're learning from. I strongly believe it's the anointing of God that is in his life that draws us to wanting to fellowship and be around him more, not forgetting to constantly learn from him. The presence of God that comes forth once he starts playing the guitar is indeed one that can never be forgotten. Just a single strum and say hello to all the goosebumps.

I was just telling Liwei about this, about why would someone be so drawn to someone else, especially in church. As many in CHC would know, we all love Pastor Kong, Sun and many others and we would be more than willing to spent time to fellowship with them. This is because of the anointing of God in their life.

Indeed to conclude, the presence of God in one's life is something that is so powerful. It can draw people to you and enable yourself to be wonderfully used by God to influence them and ultimately, get them saved into His Kingdom

Real Men, Real Faith

I have recently read a book. It’s titled Real Men, Real Faith. It is a book consisting of many stories of great men of God with great faith and there are summarised stories in their life on their encounter with God, in which area of their life was their faith stretched in, as well as their breakthrough. As I listened to Pastor’s sharing during service, I began to get “flashbacks” on the different stories that were inside the book.

Firstly, People of Prayer. Every story of all these men in the book, started with a prayer. All of them prayed different prayers in their life. They were always praying and spending time with God, communicating with Him through prayer. Their faith was built up by prayer as well as medicating on the Word of God.

Secondly, People of Encounter. All these men also had encounters in their life. They all had their own “burning bush” experience what Moses had in the Bible. One was when he was drunk, one was when he was in a church camp, even Pastor Kong’s story was his encounter in Hawaii. All these men experienced encounters after encounters. Each encounter assured them of God’s greatness in their lives.

Thirdly, People of Balance. These men were people of balance. They all had a strong balance in their life between their work, ministry as well as their personal life. They all had a steady career, they all actively serve God through their gifts and talents and of course not forgetting they all have happy families where most of their children are actively serving God in their own areas as well.

Fourthly, People who engage culture. Some of the men inside were people in the marketplace!! They were engaging culture. I remember there were 3 stories of parliamentary leaders, a few businessmen, a doctor, a few athletes, a few teachers etc. All these men were engaging culture.

Fifthly, People of Relationship. All these men were people who had relationships. They had a strong relationship with God as well as His people in church. They were there for anyone who has a need and they were there immediately to meet their needs as well as healing people when they are hurt. They were all a “people’s person”.

Lastly, People of Discpleship. One thing that inspires me a lot about all these men was how humble they were. They always give thanks to God for every single thing. They were already someone really awesome in their own fields and expertise. But however, they still humbly seek mentors and people to disciple them in their lives. Even better, these guys are actually great men of God themselves. Their mentors were men of God like Billy Graham etc.

To conclude, I am extremely inspired as well as all fired up to change and be someone better. I want to be a person of prayer, encounter, balance, engaging culture, relationship and discipleship. I want to be someone who God wants me to be. I strive to pray more to build up my faith in God. I want to build up my spiritual life by praying and worshipping God always. I want to have encounters after encounters with God. I yearn so deep in my heart every single day since then for a strong touch from Him. I just want more and more of Him and less of me. I want to be someone who has a balance in my life. I want to be able to balance all my commitments etc, every single aspect of my life I can think of.  I want to be someone who engages culture. I want to be sent out to the market place to bring Christ into every social order in the earth that is within my means. I want to be someone who brings impact to the lives of many individuals though the love of God. I want to be a person of relationships. I want to build bonds and friendships with people around me. Not just one that is a “hi-bye” one, but one that is deeper, one that spends quality time with them.

An Audience of One

As I did my quiet time last night, the story of "An Audience of One" from the book Real Men, Real Faith came to my mind.

I'm still really impacted by the book and the stories in them. The heading itself is more than enough to portray the humility of one has before God.

I thought to myself as I worshipped, "I have always been doing times and wanting all the fame, fortune, recognition.. It has always to be all about me, myself and I.." Deep in my heart, I hardly every humbled myself before God. This time round, let my every action, every word I speak reflects of Him in my life.

I pray that in the future, as I cook, as I mix drinks, as I serve customers, as I play the guitar, as I speak and talk to people and even as I breathe, no, not just that, but my very presence and purpose of living be one that glorifies Him. Let me be an ambassador of Jesus Christ. I want to be a vessel for Him. I want to show the world that with God, there is still love, hope, joy and peace in this earth =)

Pendy Pangestu aka Peter Phang

This post is dedicated to a guy who has earned my utmost respect..
His name is Pendy Pangestu aka Peter Phang..
Here are the reasons why..

Met up with Pendy for supper earlier on at Lau Pa Sat.. Finally, it's the day before he ends a chapter of his life of working in Singapore before he heads off for a short holiday in the Philippines then Indonesia and finally, back hope to Perth in Australia..

I have personally known Pendy since April 2009.. Worked with him for more than a year together in Tony Roma's in Australia and finally, saying our goodbyes as I left for my national service and him going to Canada to chase his dream, before finally coming to Singapore to work in DB Bistro Moderne in MBS.. I have seen how much he has changed and grow over the years..

He was my mentor in Tony Romas, my Shifu, he taught me how to grill ribs and taught me how to be a good chef.. Until today, he never fails to inspire me and got me thinking and growing more as the days go by.. I really wanted to be the best chef I can be and I just get more motivated each time i meet up with him for some catching up..

Today, I managed to have a coffee with him first just before the supper with the rest of DB Bistro Kitchen staff.. I asked him a question about what did he took back from his experience in Singapore.. He told me that he first wanted to come and try out in Singapore because he wanted to try working at a faster pace. However, what he saw was people who had been programmed to "robots" and doing things for the sake of doing and for the wrong reason.. There are very little people with dreams left in Singapore.. Due to the competitiveness here, everyone just starts to do things because it's the trend to do it.. The example he gave was people wearing branded stuff here.. He mentioned that people wear branded and dress better because everyone just feel that they'll be seen as someone of a "higher class" just because they're dressed better or seen with eyes that they can afford luxurious items..

We talked about the F&B industry of Singapore. He stated that 80 to 90% of the income of Singapore comes from F&B industry which is part of tourism. He mentioned that he noticed that most of the staff who're in this industry are foreigners, mainly the pinoys and the cheena. He told me that Singaporeans tend to have this mentality where they want to do BIG things, earn lots of money, just because most people are doing it. We hardly find people nowadays especially in Singapore who chase their dreams or even have dreams to do what they want to do to start off with. This is really sad to see. Pendy stated that because of this, the Church will have to come into the picture, to show love to people, and to let people through the love of God, be guided to fulfil their calling in their lives.

He brought up another point, he mentioned about happiness and having joy.. He say that you can have everything and be happy, but as long as there's no joy, you can never feel good inside.. I do strongly agree with him with whatever he has said. Yes it's true that it's indeed 2 different feelings.. Being happy is just temporary, but however, being joyful or having joy in life is having everything positive and going on well in life.. Though you might not be having luxury or not a lot of money, but because you are doing what you love and all, not forgetting having your family around you, only having all these gives you real joy in life.

I was really inspired about his humility.. I honestly told him about how inspired I am by him and he's the only chef I will wanna follow, not forgetting how much of a role model he is in my life.. He claims that it is his calling in his life for him to cook. He said that God created everyone uniquely and fairly, we all have things we're good in and not so good in. If God did not judge us, then what more us human beings? People nowadays especially in Singapore have this mindset that just because they are not good in something, they are not smart and etc and thus, being looked down at, just because they are not as good as the rest in that certain area of skill in their life.. I can really feel his love for people when he spoke. He's someone who loves people so much that even though they might give him problem, put him down or do evil things to him, he still loves them..

He started sharing with me about his journey in Canada. He told me that the biggest thing that was revealed to him when he was there was the grace of God in his life and also how great God reveals himself to people. He told me about how God opened one door after another to him when he was in Canada.. He told me that everything great happened because of the extreme grace of God that was upon his life when he was there.. Honestly, when he shared with me, I felt the super strong presence of God and started seeing flashbacks in my mind about my past in Australia.. I began to realised it was the same grace that Pendy had was upon my life during my days in Australia, where everything seemed impossible became possible. We both concluded as we shared with each other was our very existence of us being alive today is a proof that God exist.. I felt really fed spiritually. I felt like as tho I was reminded of the call of my life from the very beginning.. I began to feel the fire inside of me burning again.. I just can't wait to start cooking again!!!

Pendy mentioned about always be ready for the future, especially in the area of our career and making big bucks in the future. He told me about seeing the money coming to our hands. He mentioned about thinking about how to properly make a wise decision about how to use the money, so that every cent does not go to a waste. It's basically planning for the future for a "just-in-case" scenario in our life..

To conclude, I really respect Pendy A LOT!!! He's someone who I'll really look up to as a leader, a mentor, a friend, and not forgetting, a brother of mine.. I really can't wait to see him again and ketchup with him.. The next time I see him, will be his wedding in Jakarta in December, where I will personally head down and witness with my very eyes, the wild guy who had a dream, settle down and continue living his even BIGGER dreams.. Even though he will never see this blog post, but his lessons will forever be instilled inside my heart for as long as I live..

Take care buddy.. See you soon.. Love you bro =))

screw up

I am so screw up.. watch a bloody movie, got emotional, next thing, I feel like drinking... Fucked up..

Daddy, I am feeling extremely bitter inside..

Dear Daddy God,

I would like to sincerely apologise about my tweets that I have posted on my twitter the past week, renouncing you openly and publicly to the whole world to see..

Recently, I'm feeling extremely bitter on the inside of me, towards so many people in my life, at the end of this post, I really hope that as I typed it out, one by one, word by word, that you will set me free emotionally of the bitterness inside of me..

1) My Brother
I feel really bad on the inside of me, accusing my brother of things that he did not do, or things I assume him to do. I really hated the fact of how he controlled my lifestyle, not allowing me to meet up my female friends 1 on 1. To me, I just feel extremely bitter about the fact that it made me lost a few important friends of my life, and in the end, losing some important moments in their life too, I feel really guilty inside of me that I was not able to be there to capture the moments of their life.

I seriously feel damn f-ed up inside of me, because my brother does not understand me or bother to understand where I am coming from.. Each time I be honest with him about something, he just puts me down, only when we get into a big fight then he will start showing concern.. Maybe that's the reason why I hated to be friends with males, because my dad is f-ed up, and so is my bro to me. I really hate them and I feel really scarred inside because of them.

2) My Mum
I honestly feel that my mother thinks in her mind that I'm just a son who is becoming like my father, all in my mind is about money, but it really is so damn hard to survive in Singapore with 400 bucks a month nowadays, imagine it being hard during my secondary school days, what more currently which is 5 years later where there's inflation and all. I feel that she and my bro are the same, they don't bother to listen to me at all when I try to talk or explain. I am someone extremely expressive, however, I will never really go deep with someone.

I always blame my family for one of the reasons leading to my suicide attempt a year ago. I feel extremely bitter inside of me because they weren't there to protect me when I was in Singapore, when I was in Australia and now even in my NS life. I hated the word "family" a lot. Even until today, I fail to see the need of a family in anyone's life. To me, I feel that having a family is just because it's a command of God. If God has given me the freewill, I will never want to have a family. I'm still feeling so hurt from whatever pain my family has caused me.

3) Singapore Government
I hate the government, period. For bringing me so much pain especially during my days in school, making me feel down, having low self-esteem and pessimistic about everything around me. Now that I am in NS, I get to see the uglier side of the government and their organisations. I was told to suck thumb even though I was going through utmost intense stress which lead to my mild-depression during my army days. I can never believe that a civil servant will tell me to suck thumb, and at the end when something has happened, refuses to take responsibility at the very lowest level as a "leader" in the organisation.

4) Army Life
I hate you NS, you took away my freedom, my life, my career, my studies, my love ones, my friends, my smile and basically, everything away from me. You are so damn f-ed up!! I just can't wait to ORD and start all over again.

5) Felina & Ah Ping
Getting attached and leaving me behind, or should I say, making me feel really bad if I were to look up for them because of their jealous bfs, especially for Felina. I really hated the fact that I am always there for you but you disappear when I needed a friend the most..

6) Karmen
I'm angry with you Karmen, where were you when I seriously needed a friend the most?? It made me feel so useless and even worst when I look back and see how much I have sowed and you were never there for me when I needed a friend.. It sucks a lot especially during Sunday service and a few others, where you did not even wave and said hi to me when I was just sitting nearby you, which is less than 15 metres away.. Do you know how rejected I felt during that time??

7) CGCs of N486, Liwei and all the other IC Zone leaders and People
I seriously feel really upset by the inflexibility of the mindset with the leadership in the CG. With all the gossiping going around, especially within the leadership, to their individual CGC groups and in the end, cliques are being created because of these. I hate it when I'm being told what to do, or given big eyes of doubt or judgement. WAKE UP YOUR F-KING IDEA CAN?? Can you all be more flexible, stop slapping your own mouth with your own words, it disgusts me to see such a sight. Not forgetting the fact that there is no sincerity towards your actions. It seems to me that everyone is just doing things for the sake of doing.. It seriously pisses me off A LOT!!

Can you all please use your brains and think and use your hearts and feel why do people react this way?!? It's time to step out of your comfort zone, see more of the world before you open your big mouths to comment on anything.. Don't freaking ASSUME things which makes a big fool of yourself when you talk, and as a member, all we do is listen and inside our hearts, we just feel it's just an idiot trying to act smart in front of us..

8) Esther
The worst thing you ever said to me when you were showing concern was this "I'm showing concern for you because you were the one who brought me back..."

Sigh... I'm just so disappointed in myself. It just shows what kind of a person I really am, you seriously made me feel useless about myself. Honestly speaking, if you were to read this post now, I'm sure it's back to square one, where "Ben" to you, is merely someone who brought u back to church, period. That day, I seriously hope you didn't say anything and just kept quiet.

9) Li Mei
I hate you for taking away my 1st relationship experience!! It seriously was the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. Even though it was just a short 2 months, but you left a really deep scar inside my heart. Even until today, you made me find it hard to trust another woman to be with her or know what loving somebody is about. GIVE IT BACK TO ME!! MY 1st KISSES AND ALL!!!

10) Myself
Honestly speaking, out of all the people I hate the most, it would be myself.. I really hate the fact about myself that I do no "value" myself. I do not have a "market price" that I place myself. I do not know how much am I worth. I make myself look "cheap" in front of everyone, being someone easily manipulated, just because I'm being a nice guy.

I hate myself for having bad habits in life, being a perfectionist extremist in everything I do, always be the one who takes up the blame and be so scared to make mistakes. It's no wonder that even until today, I do not learn from all my lessons. At the end of the day, who suffer? Myself and myself.

I hate the fact that I will have a tendency to lie just to impress people. I lie about some things in my life especially about my recent things, just because I don't want people to look down on me, thinking I'm just wasting my time and being useless. I seriously hate it when I'm seen as useless, I don't want people to look at me with those eyes of sympathy or judgement.

I hate the fact that I always think about how I feel, instead of considering about other people, always having this assumption in me that everyone hates me or everyone is just out to make use of me.. I hate that mindset in me.

I hate myself for always being so emotional, always locking myself to a seat of a roller coaster, just waiting for that "moment" for someone or something to "push the button" and the next thing I know, I'm on my next roller coaster ride.
_____________________________________

To conclude Daddy God, I know your word says is to forgive and forget. I choose to forgive all of the people who have left a scar on me. I know that wounds come, they heal and they become scars, but these scars that are left behind are there to constantly reminding me, to remind me of the feeling that I don't wanna experience again in my life, to be extra careful and enable me to be more experienced when I handle such situations.

I can never forget all these, because if I do forget literally, something must have happened to me, either I have drank some potion, or I suffered a serious concussion. At the end of the day, I chose to forget the deeds of the people who I felt hurt by.

At the end of the day Father, I chose to choose love in all these situation. All I can say is that without You Daddy, I am a nobody and I will never know how to walk through these valleys in my life. I need You to be with me, every single moment. I really hope that You will hold my hand, just like how a parent holds his little boy, walking through something scary, but with the warmth of Your hand, I know that deep down in my heart, I feel totally secure.

I thank You Daddy. I love You!!! <3

Your Lost Son,
Benben

ciggy break talk time

Had a ciggy break today..
Finally ended my 2 months of no smoking, decided to take 2 sticks in 1 break today as I had the company to accompany me throughout the 2 sticks..

Yes I know I swore to myself that I will never smoke again, no excuses this time, it's just like sex, when you need it, you need it, period.

Had a chat with a nsmen and karen today.. He was sharing with us about his recent family problem.. He asked if Karen will be free after the ICT to go out with the other officers for a drink.. Soon as the conver gets deeper, we were all puzzled.. We came to realise about his story about his failed marriage recently..

Apparently, he got married 4 years ago, have a kid and was like every normal happy family.. Had a child within the next year and she is turning 3 mid this year. Wondering what made this man a free man today, being able to organise drinking session with us made me learnt about the his failed marriage.. As every of his men know (he's an officer), he used to be an alcoholic, smoke tons, fool around all the time, even karen knows about this (HAHA). It is an opened "secret".

He stated that recently, his divorced had been finalised and as he said it out, I can feel that deep in his heart, he wished that it was just a nightmare that had gone past.. Unfortunately, reality was just right before him.. Because of his marriage, he gave up drinking, only entertaining clients once every 2 months instead of the usual 3 times a week, reaches home everyday before 10pm, cuts down smoking by a lot and stopped all socialising activities.. He felt that he wanted to become a good example for his family in the future.. However, his wife never appreciates all that he has done for the family.

She had an affair, with another man, abandoned the child with him and divorced him and finally, leaving with the other man having their own life now.. He then said this "a man might fool around, but he still knows where his home is, however, when a woman fools around, her heart leaves with her (in mandarin).."

I can feel his emotions, my heart felt it, that deep in his heart, how much he can start all over again and never walk this path.. After all, this is a broken down world and people's hearts are filled with lust, greed, hate and the list goes on..

I took my last puff, and I began thinking more and more.. Got deeper into thoughts.. Decided to write this post, and all I can conclude is, the world still needs LOVE.. Lots and lots of love.. From God.. Definitely..

scars that were never treated will never be healed..

Honestly speaking, I am actually still seriously affected by my relationship with Li Mei. Each time I see her profile on facebook, her tweets or even thinking about the term "love" or "relationship", I just go shut, I go numb totally. I began to recall and see the sight of myself from the scene of my last year's birthday, which marks the day when I broke up with Li Mei. I saw a sight of myself, how pathetic I really look. With the scene of myself crying on that very midnight after the clock strikes 12 to enter my 20th birthday, after she leaving the birthday cake on my door with a candle lighted up just specially for me, with number codes on the cake saying "do you still want to be with me" written on them. I went to chase after her, went around the neighbourhood, crying and screaming for her name, with so much pain inside of me caused by the torment of how much I really wanted to see her, to the end of the day, me knocking on her door, calling out her non-stop with all those tears in my eyes, full of desperation, but at the end, only facing the rejection. That rejected feeling, just the very thought of it, my heart feels it. I felt so betrayed. She asked me if I would still want to be with her but yet she rejected me when there I was crying out for her.

I suppose, that was the real reason why I never really tell people about how we broke up and why we broke up, because each time this chapter of my life appears, it just hits me rock bottom.

Just a random thought I had and I suppose, since i brought this matter up, it's time to faced it, move on and let God..

Worth it or not?

I have been asking myself since yesterday...


"Are you really that worth it for me to wait and feel this way about you??"


"Do I really need you in my life?"

2012

A Year of Breakthrough!!!!

Cry of my heart

"Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen, show me how to love like You, have loved me.. Break my heart for what breaks Yours, everything I am for Your kingdom's cause, as I walk on earth with You, eternally"

A cry of my heart now..

A ponder to self

Just read a blog of a really good friend of mine.. But my heart truly aches when i read it..

Why? Is she just a friend to me? Or deep down in my heart, do I want and feel something more??

A Revelation

Something I heard from God on Sunday....

"See all these people, every single one of them, I love them all"

A promise to myself - To be the best father I can be...

Typed this in my Spiritual Diary to Li Wei for this week...

"Last Saturday service is a service of restoration, of a wound that is long left inside my heart that probably was left un-stitched, no mended and never taken care of. Really thank God for putting a word into pastor kong as he shared it with the church.

Since young, I always hated my dad, even though I am his preferred son. However, I always put an act in front of him whenever I'm with him. I tried to make use of him totally, especially in the area which he has abundance in, which is money. I really hated how I myself look, I even punch my mirror a lot of times till my knuckles swell, all because I really looked like my dad and each time my mum compares me with my dad, I will hate it, really hate it a lot.  However, really got to thank God for restoration in my life.

I will never remember what I saw in my spirit at the ending worship song during service. I saw 2 extremely huge arms, which somehow I got this very strong assurance feeling that it's the arms of God that was hugging the whole church really tightly. After that, I saw wings, which maybe it might be wings of angels wrapped the whole church up like a ball, then I can hear God saying these words to me "my dear children, I love each and every one of you with all my heart" Immediately, I couldn't stop crying as I was in front of the stage.

During the time when I was ministered to, I made a promise to God and myself that in the future when I myself get older and get married and have my own kids, I will be a loving father to all my kids. I will provide them as well as my wife with security, identity and self-worth as well, which for my case, I had none of them as I was growing up. I might never be the perfect father for my kids, but thank God that I have a perfect Father who looks after me every single step I take and looks after mine when I have my very own =) ....."

SOT 2013 vs Australia 2013

It's that time of the year again, where another year of SOT intake..
Looking over the past 2 to 3 years, I have seen many of my leaders and friends who grew up with me graduating from SOT.
People like my brother, PJ, Henry, Huifen, Cyra and friends like Shihan, Weiling and Germaine are going to SOT this year.
Even for next year's SOT, even thought it might be a year away, but I already know of close ones who are planning to go there next year.

How about myself? - Something I started asking myself since last week.
SOT 2013 will most probably start sometime during this period of time next year, and it just coincidentally coincides with my ORD which is on the 7th of Feb next year.
As of now, my ORD plan will be to move back to Australia, head straight to Murdoch University, go work at 399 Bar for at least 2 years as a bartender, move on and head straight to the industry.
To be honest, there was never a moment i thought about SOT to take place in my life.

A thing to pray about and ponder deep about.

GOD!! I NEED AN ANSWER!!!